memories
I think that either my memory has been getting worse ever since I started college, or it was never that great to begin with and I'm just realizing it now that there's a lot more information that I'm expected to hold in my head. i have never been great with straight recall, which is probably why I much prefer STEM subjects where there's a lot of first-principles reasoning and emphasis on derivations and deductive reasoning, rather than other subjects that I find to be a lot more rote memorization-heavy. that hasn't really been a huge issue for me academically, but a more real consequence of unreliable recall is in social situations. i have had more than a few people upset with me for forgetting details like birthdays, their siblings, their favorite things, details they've mentioned in recent conversations, etc.
this bothers me because I know how it feels to be on the other end. when someone remembers a small detail about me, or something that I mentioned off-handedly, it's a huge surprise and means a lot to me. I think that remembering someone's mundanities is one of the sweetest ways to show that you listen to them, that you care what's going on in their life, their thoughts, etc. once, I met up with an online friend and she gifted me a frog plushie from her job at the SF zoo, which I thought was really nice. later I found out that I'd sent her a picture of that plushie years ago and said it was awesome, and she'd remembered that even though I myself had forgotten, and it made me feel so cared about. I really want my friends and family to feel this way, and I am trying to put effort into being deliberate about remembering things about people, even going so far as to make a Notion database.
there are definitely some memories in my teenage years that I would describe as vivid, but my early memories have mostly been implanted via stories that my parents tell me. if you were to ask me what my earliest memory is, I couldn't give you an exact answer with high confidence. I was born in new jersey, and then my family moved to queens, where I went to preschool, but truthfully I don't think I actually have any snapshots of the east coast part of my life in my brain. a "memory" that I have from that time, which I think is entirely constructed from my parents telling me stories, is that my mom spent her days taking me all over new york city (since my dad was in school and my mom was unemployed at the time). she tells me that whenever we missed a train, I would try to chase it and yell, "double E, wait for us!" in chinese. i found out while writing this that the EE line no longer exists in new york city.
another story from new york which is an "early memory" for me is that whenever I got dropped off at daycare, I would sob. this was apparently such an issue that my mom once hid in the bathroom of the daycare to see if I would eventually calm down. this isn't a real memory that exists in my brain, like one that I could visualize and tell you details about, but I remember it by proxy through my parents' memories.
i also realize now that my mom was right about taking photos. i used to be one of those kids that hated the idea of having their photo taken, refused to sit still and found posing insufferable. as I went through puberty i realized i actually like having photos of myself, and had to make the embarrassing switch to asking for pictures. I also became really concerned with taking many photos myself; i think my camera roll has grown exponentially over time, and the latter half is from the last year alone. my mom always told me that I'd be happy to have pictures later down the line so that I could look back and remember moments of my life, and i loved to get on my soapbox, to pontificate on the importance of living in the moment and lament those who could only see the world through their cameras. but now that I'm older, i look back and realize there are so many parts of my life, ranging from little moments from an awesome day to entire trips i've taken, that I'm able to cling onto because I have those photos as a reference to recall my memories.
i do wish that i could remember more, both about those I care about and about my own life.
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